They know they’re supposed to do something, but they’re not sure what. And you know what they do when they’re not sure – of course you do: They either do the wrong thing or they do nothing, and it’s a toss up as to which is worse.

If there exists in this universe anything more infuriating and crazy-making than a man, I don’t know what it is, thank you, and I don’t want to know.

Try to avoid getting involved with somebody who’s gonna need killing before it’s over. It may seem to you that that narrows the field somewhat, but be diligent.

The lesson of the Funk Dog: “You can forget what it used to feel like to feel good about life; feeling rotten – or just a low-grad funk – seems normal and therefore acceptable. I just don’t believe that God intended for any of his creatures to be petted with sticks.

If some area of your life sucks – do something else. Life is too short – and too long – to spend it being miserable. Life may indeed be short but it is for a fact wide. It is high time we started settling for more.

Be particular. That is, without a doubt, the Best Advice Ever Given in the History of the Entire World. Consider, if you will, the profound effect that following that advice would have on, say, your diet, your love life, your financial situation, your decision on whether to have that next drink. I mean, what do those two words not cover?

Suzanne Sugarbaker of Designing Women was so right when she said, “There’s just nothing better in life than to ride around on the back of a convertible with a crown on your head.” Words to live by.

The lesson of the Funk Dog: “You can forget what it used to feel like to feel good about life; feeling rotten—or just a low-grad funk—seems normal and therefore acceptable. I just don’t believe that God intended for any of his creatures to be petted with sticks.

We read in the paper about a fifty-five-year-old woman-you read right, that's fifty five- who had quadruplets! Since the pregnancy was in vitro, it was clearly on purpose. I've got to tell you, we were all pretty happy that we hadn't done this and also none of us had ever considered it. Nor had we considered pulling out all our teeth with pliers or slamming our fingers in the car door repeatedly just to see what it feels like.

Stay fit and live long and prosper, but write your own obituary now, while you can, just in case.